Why Indians Can’t Be Terrorists
1. We are always late; we would have missed all 4 flights.
2. Pretty girls on the plane would distract us.
3. We would talk loudly and bring attention to ourselves.
4. With food and drinks on the plane, we would forget why we’re there.
5. We talk with our hands, therefore we would have to put our weapons
down.
6. We would ALL want to fly the plane.
7. We would argue and start a fight in the plane.
Hello Cookie how you?
Health, wealth all alright Ma?
The pimples on your face died down. Must take some opening, maybe too much heat in your body.
Cookie, last week only Kesan telling me in the kitchen, Ma I gort wun beeg surprise for you, wait until Saturday.
Cookie, I could not wait any more, I nagged him like I nag his father until it came out. Kesan said he is bringing one girl home to show me her face and all. Whoiyoo Cookie what a shock I gort isn’t I was going to take him and ask Maliga for her daughters hand.
Kesan, I hear telling me, Ma don’t worry my girlfriend is a Rihanna, she shines bright like a diamond. My God Cookie, this fulla bringing Muslim girl home what, because the only Rihana I know is Ahmedy’s daughter nor, and that wun is so healty like a bumbly march.
Anycase Cookie, to cut the long story short, he brought it and came way on Saturday, when he opened the door, I just quickly caught it with my own eyes, whoiyoo Cookie, I rushed into my room for my pump. In my head only I am saying why Swami why Swami, you know how the families gonna laugh. Kesan this fulla brought it one colored girl home Cookie. She was wearing so short dress, when she went to sit I could see the ship in the harbaa.
You tell me Cookie, what not we did for this fulla, and now he put black polish in our face. His father worked so hard and bought for him that GTi, and we put that cooking oil rims for him, what they call it, Helios, how he cried for those rims and we saved and bought it. That man gives his life for Kesan, December only I gave him half his fathers hard earned bonus to go put doom doom sound, I can’t even put one rice and oil in his trunk such a fit he throws it. We did all this for him just to go attract wun butterfly like this.
What he thinks I am going to put sweets in a tray and go Wentworth for proposal. Over my dead body. Sometimes I ask Swami why he put me on this earth to suffer. When she was sitting in the lounge I din even ask if she want one cup tea, where they drink tea Cookie, isn’t they only drink drink everywhere and throw performances.
When Kesan’s father walked into the room, I expected him to say something to Kesan you know in a nice way so he can open his head a little bit and see. But this husband of mine looked at that girl and said Kessan, this girl is on fire, If the daughter so beautiful, I can only imagine what the mother look like.
Cookie please come and take me to go see Saras, let her open trans and tell me what’s happening in my house, because I think somebody is cutting my road.
Ey, I can’t talk too much now I have to go braise my food.
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JoBurg Charou
You knor Cookie, that daughter of mine I tell you, she want all the best of the bestest things in her life.
That father of hers work so hard only to pay all this clothing account bills. Whoyoooo and let me not start about the cellphone account, someone will think she is taking calls for the president whole day Cookie.
Because of her only my heart and all came way, where I had heart and all before Cookie. When I was her age where we had all this fancy fancy gadgets. The only thing my mother gave me at her age was a polishing brush and red cobra polish, I should strap it on my foot and imagine I am ice skating on the stoop.
The other day we was going to the shopping center, aiyooo you knor what she war, one short short tight denim shorts, I am not shy to say Cookie you like a house person isn’t. That denim shorts was shorter than my underwear Cookie. You know what I did, I gave her one stiff killing look and told her go change it now before I turn around and give her one loose boot. You tell me Cookie what I am saying is right or wrong heh. If she go in the public like that what what she will attract. You knor these rubbish fulla boys what they are like.
I am so fedup with this child I dunno which way to turn true. Sometimes I pray by Swami that he rather take me away then I will be in peace. I must just ask her once to help me in the kitchen she take so long to peel potatoes like she gort butter fingers, but you mus see her type on her phone, she is like a Speedy Gonzales, but dare you look at her phone, then she hides it like a sputnik. This is not how I brawt them up Cookie. My mother mus be turning in her grave.
God only knows what what they type on that blerry phone, and she will be giggling like a hyena. The other day I saw her photos on Facebook, my God Cookie, dunno if she is the same daughter I Know true.
Her father will not even open his mouth and tell her one word.
One one word she tells me, sometimes I don’t knor what she is saying. What is all this Cookie,
When I ask her who she is talking to, then she say that’s my BFF, what is BFF and all
She says she is chillin…but it was so hot
The other day she asked if my father should make door handles, because I am acting like a knob. What she means.
When she see a nice flashy flashy car with doom doom music, she says the Car looks Sick, now tell me how can the car look sick. I hope this one not taking sugars.
The other day in the bathroom she said OMG loud…I screamed from the kitchen and said you idiot that is OMO.
She calls her brother Wanksta, since when that fulla Kesan changed his name.
She used to be soo nice Cookie, I should put coconut oil in her head and plat it and all. Now I dunno who she is true. Please talk to her and put some brains in her head for me.
And as for my son, I will tell you all about it next week when Telkom call more time come right Cookie.
Bye I am going to soak my clothes now.
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JoBurg Charou
The most perfect man in the world is her father.
The most abused husband in the world is her brother.
The most handsome man in the world is her son.
The luckiest and happiest man in the world is her sister’s husband.
The most thankful man in the world is her son in law.
And the worst, most selfish, heartless, total jerk and the man with worst behavior in the world is her husband
🙂
JoBurg Charou
This is your captain speaking ava hear, Pratash Ravjee, but my friends call me Pratash for short. For those of you that dont know me I am from the banks, Merebank. I knor this flight was suppose to take off 30 minutes ago, but please hold tight cos I am just waiting for Ambi aunty to bring one parcel for her son in JoBurg.
We flying high today ekse, this boeing got it all plus yesterday we put couple more subs in the back there, bass in your base aunties. Flying time to JoBurg is only 45minutes, but after puting this bigger turbo we gonna fly there in 20 minutes flat. Aunties and uncles if yawl got pressure problems and all, take the tablets now cos this captain is not stopping right.
To all the cake laaities whos BBM’ing the stekkies, switch those phones off right and sit tight. To all the lukker cherries on this flight, hook up with me on Facebook, look for JoBurg Charou, after all I am a pilot right.
I now hand you over to my air hostess Kumeshni also known as Kumsi-girl from Parlock. Ladies & Gentlemen this is your airhostess Kumeshni, I dunno why that rubbish Captain Pratash telling everybody my house name Kumsi-Girl, I will jamal him on this flight then he will come right.
In your seat pockets you will find one instruction card, these cards are sponsored by Raj Printers in Verulam, they make so nice weddings card ey. Tell them I reffered yawl, he will give nice price then.
Please use that seat belt otherwise this man will get one fit, he is such an irritating Captain, only nag nag and stay. In the event of us crashing inside the ocean, yawl mus use this nice Jacket, sponsored by Ginger Bagwandeen & Sons they also do blouse alterations…
To eat today we have some nice mutton biryani with dholl and salad and for those breadou’s dont worry ey, we knor yawl people fasting we have fresh yellow potato roti roll made by The Mistress of Spice. We stopped serving Mainstay on this plane because last time that Selva uncle drank so much and he started telling everybody his house problems, but if you really want to drink go to seat 36F, Saras aunty got one small shebeen there.
To all those old old uncles and aunties, please dont run and go toilet 100 times, try and hold it in. All the aunties who gort big big bags I knor yawl carrying fresh fresh mango pickle in you bag, whatever happens dont let that oil leak otherwise this man will die. yawl all knor how irritating this men get.
Okay bye now I am gonna go rush and prepare and also have to go check in on Facebook before we leave.
Ey Hasina…..make sure all the doors are locked tight eh, please. remember what happen last time ma.
Enjoy your flight 🙂
JoBurg Charou
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There is nothing more amusing than Husband and wife speeches. It is so bad now days that the wife don’t talk anymore she just gives one killer look and the husband knows the answer there and then.
Husband: My mother said….
Wife: What that witch said
Thats how the happy home got broken
Wife: Lets go home now. its getting late
Husband: Last shot for the road
Thats how the fight started
Husband: Why don’t buy this handbag, so nice it is
Wife: Why don’t buy and give your mother, you expect me to carry that
Thats how the fight started
Husband: I am going drinking with the boys tonight
Wife: You just try and pull that move, you wont have a family when you get back
Thats how the speeches started
Wife: My mother having prayers this weekend. We need to be there early to help
Husband: But the ManU and Liverpool match is on
Wife: You think I am worried about that Liverfools. You think that is more important than my mothers prayers
Thats how the fight started
Husband: My mother having prayers this weekend. We need to be there early to help
Wife: You want me to go early there to be like a maid
Thats how the fight started
Husband: Lets go to the movies, but I want to take my mother and Father
Wife: What that old cows know about movies, they old tell them look after the children
Thats how the fight started
Wife: Lets go to the movies, but I want to take my mother and Father. My mother like that popcorn so much
Husband: Your father watch movies…
Thats how the fight started
Husband: Lets go visit your mother
Wife: Why, you feel like eating her chicken curry. Tell your mother cook for you…boiled fresh chicken curry
Thats how the fight started
Husband: Will you ever forget the first day we met?
Wife: I dunno, but I am trying hard to forget
Thats how the fight started
Wife: You don’t pay any attention to me
Husband: Ja I know, but I will chop any man that does pay attention to you
Thats how the fight started
Husband: Can I buy this potato peeler for my mother?
Wife: Why, your mother knows how to cook
Thats how the fight started
Husband: SMS to wife. What are you doing?
Wife: I am dying
Husband: (Jumping for Joy)….My sweet jalebi, how can I live without you?
Wife: You idiot, I am dying my hair.
Peace out
Jo’Burg Charou.
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Masala marinated chops from United, Extra HOT sausages from Bluff meats, and the all time favorite bake beans salad with extra onion, chillies and dhania, egg and mayo and the previous nights left over mince curry. Summer is around the corner, time to put on the shorts, charge the camera and go to a connections possie for a South African Indian Braai.
Oh yes the most important part of the braai….Cold beer for the boys and some Savannah Dry for the women don’t forget the Tequilla and Apple sours (cos this will make you talk extra and make you brave to go casino later).
Ladies time to straighten your hair with the GHD, guys go to Fordsburg for a 30 bucks haircut and whilst you there get some latest remixed tunes to show it off later until one connection asks for a copy of the CD.
This is the time to catch up with the latest gossip…women yawl have been in the dark too long. Lots of pictures have been posted on Facebook…..time to gossip about it. Guys this is the best time to get drunk talk loud and make fishing plans with the guys….which never happens.
Ladies don’t forget your mother-inlaws sitting in the lounge catching up on Bold and Beautiful but her ears are in your conversations. She will pick on it later be careful. That witch hears everything.
Husbands if you was misbehaving with your friends drinking, every night with your saglaams. Don’t worry your wife will tell everybody about it at the braai. The worst will come out but don’t worry God is great.
To all the cake laaities, this is the time to show off the muscles wear the vest…..BUT uncles with big stomachs and hairy armpits…yawl don’t need to show off anything please. Laaities this is the time to make those funny hand signs, take one two peechas and post it on Facebook, tag the whole family.
To all the girls, this is not the night to tell your parents about the boyfriend. Rather hide it for now. Hide and show your connections his BBM messages.
Dance with your short shorts on the grass like you in the movies….why not Sharukh Khan did it, you can as well. Aunties don’t feel shy to wear black underwear and white dress, only house people there. Hit one two chutney numbers in the mix.
Hold your wife and sing a porridge number for her. Love is in the air. Chops is on the braai.
Boys DO NOT post pictures of your ballie dancing in his shorts on Facebook…not right that. Guys who bought that fancy cars in winter, time to show it off, make sure its boning.
Oh yes lastly guys, don’t arg when you drunk…let the wife drive, otherwise this will be her first and last time she is going anywhere wid you…..you know that story. And don’t cause speeches with family members for nothing.
To all those who’s going copy this and send it via email…at least put my blog address https://jhbcharou.wordpress.com
Don’t forget to put all the sauces, salad and two sausages in a roll and open your mouth for a big bite and someone will take a picture guaranteed.
Till later
JoBurg Charou.
****Copyright JHB Charou****
Joburg Charou :: Thitha Thitha Choones 