Live Chicken on the Fire

We all like to cook a good chow. So here is a simple Charou’s guide to cooking some lukker fresh fowl curry.
Bruin Ou’s Please DO NOT try this at home cos yawl are bound to cause speeches.

Here are the simple steps:

1. Go to Fowl Aunties possie and choose wun lukker fresh cut cull (Fowl).
2. Wood, this is the very important part of the cooking preparation:
-On the way to buying the wood, always ask the question “What we gonna dop”
-The best place to buy the wood is Spar, because next to every Spar there is a….. ‘TOPS’
-Important* Buy fire lighters, cos Charous cant light fire….period
3. So now that you have the two most important things (Chicken & Dop) the rest will follow shortly
4. As soon as you enter the house, make a noise on how busy the shop was, cos your vrou gonna ask you why you took so long
5. Before you start preparing….make sure you choon your vrou who you met in Spar…and that you invited them for a Fresh Fowl curry chow
6. Take wun onion and place it on the chopping board, then go to the radio and switch on Radio Lotus, cos every Charou mus listen to Mrs Chetty’s whole families dedication right.
7. Come back to the chopping board, and scream at the top of your voice to your vrou…”You gort Chillies”
8. This will also tell you where about she is in the house and how far from the kitchen she is.
9. Next, take wun tumbler from cupboard….crack open that bottle of ‘Black & White’ (Charous choice dop), DO NOT forget to pour for the dead. Then pour wun lukker valve opener shot in the tumbler and tint it with some government dash. Rush that thing down and wipe your mouth quickly.
10. Now that the blood is flowing nicely, cut the onions into thin slices and keep it in wun saucer with a few green chillies, biryani mix, and the all important curry leaves.
11. Gravy soakers, UTD potatoes are a must, Charous love BUSTING petetoes so peel at least 5, cut in have and we will have….?
12. By this time your vrou gonna come into the kitchen and ask if you need help….choon her to make some bhajias for bites, shes gonna choon you voetsak and she will leave the kitchen….this is your window of opportunity to pour wun nother cracker shot
13. Time to light the fire
14. Pick up all the packets, buckets and old cloths yawl pushed in the fire place for storage, whilst you there pick up all the stompies as well.
15. Place the firelights in the tray and some decent pieces of wood and flame it with that extra big box of matches you have next to the fire place. If your leites are around watching you, choon them about the good old days when yawl used chimtas and newspaper to start a fire for making water hot. Keep that pot lid handy for fanning.
16. Now that the fire is chooning and the dop is also chooning, vye sook wun decent size pot, make sure you put handy andy on it otherwise your vrou will have a hard time washing it.
17. Add some oil (straight from the 5lt Sunflower bottle)
18. When the oil is hot chuck in your onions, chillies, biryani mix (bayleaves, cinnamon etc) otherwise you gonna get the kauchi smell
19. Throw in the curry leaves, when the onions are slightly tinted like whiskey in water…..add some of your secret masala your mother in law mixed for yawl when yawl vyed Durban
20. Be careful dont burn the masala.
21. Add the fresh cut chicken into the pot, add wun tomato (cut in small peices) and sum salt and ginger and garlic
22. Give it wun two good stirs, close the pot and choon Aahhhh, your vrou gonna ask whats wrong, then you choon….Time for a shot
23. Go to the kitchen and pour a legal shot.
24. By this time the visitors should have arrived….visitors always come when the fire is started, all the hard graaf is kla and when the chow is almost ready
25. Greet your visitors, stand right by the front door and hear their stories cos there are bound to have some long stories
26. Imediately take the man outside….Choon him, Connection…come see my dhania how it’s growing
27. Pour him wun thunder shot, cos your hand is heavy by now
28. Whilst chooning, remember that you cooking and check the chow. Dont forget to take out some chicken pieces for bites
29. Add some water to the chow, cos fresh chicken is little bit tough
30. Have wun two more shots, talk about the old days…always start the conversation with…..Remember when we were small our ballies……
31. Check the curry again, water should be gone down and the chicken should be soft, add the gravy soakers (potatoes). Do not forget to mention to the visitors how expensive wun bag of potato is gone.
32. Have another shot, because your vrou gonna come ask you if she can set the table.
33. After about 45 minutes the curry should be smelling lukkers, the potatoes should be soft and soaked with gravy.
34. Take some fresh dhania from the garden, cut it up lukkers and sprinkle it in the pot
35. Your vrou is now gonna choon ‘come eat’ and you must choon…..nor let the ladies eat first…..cos this will buy more time for wun two more slugs.

Do not forget to make carrot salad…..and remember…..ALWAYS GIVE THE VISITORS THE OLD MANGO PICKLE, KEEP THE FRESH WUN FOR HOUSE PEOPLE.

Later
JHB Charou

*Copyright JHB Charou*
You can share but remember to add link to my site https://jhbcharou.wordpress.com

Soccer in the possie

So we all have been to some matches right?…..You know SA World Cup FIFA and all, we have to choon we was there kind of thing ‘Mama was here’. In the spirit of all good things including a few warm shots (JHB is cold) and the dop in the stadium dont taste nice for 30 bucks right. So getting tha-na-nas before we vye to the stadium was the right thing to do.

So being a thorough BREAD Charou we had to follow a few golden rules for the WorldCUP.
Starting something like this….
1. Hope your company sponsor some tickets, at least 5 cos the mother in law wants to vye as well
2. See if any connections are graafing for FIFA and see if they can make a plan. ‘Hook us up’
3. If that did not come right, then try and sook a luck on Gumtree, squeeze wun good deal there
4. Only when the tickets are bought then we decide who we backing
5. If we organised tickets for Brazil, England, Agentina, Germany or SA then we sorted

I mean at recent drinking scenes all the talk was around soccer, the Charou’s have become the analyst….Ey Im chooning, must check Rooney gonna put one 3 goals against Germany. Hooch matches you vying to Gordon? Ey man I got sum Catergory one tickets….Oh lukkers.

And the choones vye on and on.

So what happen on the day of the match between Bafana Bafana and France? The morning started of with ‘What we gonna eat’ Who we inviting’ and most importantly what we dopping.
So around 6:30am Rashika makes the call to Solly her sister in law to ask where they watching the match the conversation went something like this.

Rashika: Hello Solly, what you doing, You sleeping?
Solly: Nor, I just put some rice on the stove, now now and I told Ajay jus now your sister will call
Rashika: You know Gordon had Catergory one tickets for the match, but he GAVE it to his friend for R950 each ticket, we said where we’ll go shiver shiver in the cold to watch wun match.
Rasika: Where yawl watching the match Solly? Why don’t come way home. From when Gordon saying he feel like eating Trotters and beans, so I said namind I’ll cook it nice and thitha with thick thick gravy. I also gort one parcel duck in the fridge I’ll cook it for Ajay.
Solly: Ja, no problem we’ll come, from when Ajay saying he want to come
Solly: I will bring the rice and I am making some dholl and I will make some chops chutney. I also soaked some Mango pickle, the mamas came selling here the other day, they wanted R20 a bag….I said no, I gave them R8 and some old beans curry I had in the fridge.
Rashika: Ja this blerry people getting the mango for free and they want to charge so much.
Rashika: Where Ajay, let me tell him Hello. Hello Ajay, you forgot you got wun Sister, you don’t call, dont send message nothing, what happen, your wife got you unders.
Ajay: No man, I am so busy, I got no time to even go toilet.
Rashika: Or, okay then see yawl later, dont drive fast eh.
Ajay: Ok.

So that was the typical morning….What happen when the match was on? The TV was on maximum volume because it had to compete with the 10 naughty children running around the house and the women talking over their voice in the kitchen. The men where sitting comfortably in the lounge eating white fry and having wun two shots waiting for the kick off. So in comes Rashika to the lounge, wun hand on the hip…’the match started….the match started’. Yes the match stated. Then in comes Solly…’Aiyoo yamma she how full the stadium is’. Which team is Bafana Ajay, The team with all the black players Ma, now shut your mouth and watch the game. During the game these where the comments.

-What a goal man, what a goal
-See, how he dablaased that fellow ey
-Take the ball and run man, what he is waiting for
-That referee is cheating I tell you
-Hmmm, rather put some Chatsworth fellas there they will play better
-Put my stove low there, only the potatoes left to get cooked
-Adil…go bring some dhania from the garden
-Women keep quite otherwise there will be war in this house

Rashika: okay half time now, I must dish out…….

Until second half, catch yawl later
JHB Charou

*Copyright JHB Charou*

You can email this around but please include a link to my site https://jhbcharou.wordpress.com