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Happy Diwali

From Applesamy

From an Indian woman’s point of view

The most perfect man in the world is her father.

The most abused husband in the world is her brother.

The most handsome man in the world is her son.

The luckiest and happiest man in the world is her sister’s husband.

The most thankful man in the world is her son in law.

And the worst, most selfish, heartless, total jerk and the man with worst behavior in the world is her husband

🙂

JoBurg Charou

Summer is here…

Masala marinated chops from United, Extra HOT sausages from Bluff meats, and the all time favorite bake beans salad with extra onion, chillies and dhania, egg and mayo and the previous nights left over mince curry. Summer is around the corner, time to put on the shorts, charge the camera and go to a connections possie for a South African Indian Braai.

Oh yes the most important part of the braai….Cold beer for the boys and some Savannah Dry for the women don’t forget the Tequilla and Apple sours (cos this will make you talk extra and make you brave to go casino later).

Ladies time to straighten your hair with the GHD, guys go to Fordsburg for a 30 bucks haircut and whilst you there get some latest remixed tunes to show it off later until one connection asks for a copy of the CD.

This is the time to catch up with the latest gossip…women yawl have been in the dark too long. Lots of pictures have been posted on Facebook…..time to gossip about it. Guys this is the best time to get drunk talk loud and make fishing plans with the guys….which never happens.

Ladies don’t forget your mother-inlaws sitting in the lounge catching up on Bold and Beautiful but her ears are in your conversations. She will pick on it later be careful. That witch hears everything.

Husbands if you was misbehaving with your friends drinking, every night with your saglaams. Don’t worry your wife will tell everybody about it at the braai. The worst will come out but don’t worry God is great.

To all the cake laaities, this is the time to show off the muscles wear the vest…..BUT uncles with big stomachs and hairy armpits…yawl don’t need to show off anything please. Laaities this is the time to make those funny hand signs, take one two peechas and post it on Facebook, tag the whole family.

To all the girls, this is not the night to tell your parents about the boyfriend. Rather hide it for now. Hide and show your connections his BBM messages.

Dance with your short shorts on the grass like you in the movies….why not Sharukh Khan did it, you can as well. Aunties don’t feel shy to wear black underwear and white dress, only house people there. Hit one two chutney numbers in the mix.

Hold your wife and sing a porridge number for her. Love is in the air. Chops is on the braai.

Boys DO NOT post pictures of your ballie dancing in his shorts on Facebook…not right that. Guys who bought that fancy cars in winter, time to show it off, make sure its boning.

Oh yes lastly guys, don’t arg when you drunk…let the wife drive, otherwise this will be her first and last time she is going anywhere wid you…..you know that story. And don’t cause speeches with family members for nothing.

To all those who’s going copy this and send it via email…at least put my blog address https://jhbcharou.wordpress.com

Don’t forget to put all the sauces, salad and two sausages in a roll and open your mouth for a big bite and someone will take a picture guaranteed.

Till later

JoBurg Charou.

****Copyright JHB Charou****

Live Chicken on the Fire

We all like to cook a good chow. So here is a simple Charou’s guide to cooking some lukker fresh fowl curry.
Bruin Ou’s Please DO NOT try this at home cos yawl are bound to cause speeches.

Here are the simple steps:

1. Go to Fowl Aunties possie and choose wun lukker fresh cut cull (Fowl).
2. Wood, this is the very important part of the cooking preparation:
-On the way to buying the wood, always ask the question “What we gonna dop”
-The best place to buy the wood is Spar, because next to every Spar there is a….. ‘TOPS’
-Important* Buy fire lighters, cos Charous cant light fire….period
3. So now that you have the two most important things (Chicken & Dop) the rest will follow shortly
4. As soon as you enter the house, make a noise on how busy the shop was, cos your vrou gonna ask you why you took so long
5. Before you start preparing….make sure you choon your vrou who you met in Spar…and that you invited them for a Fresh Fowl curry chow
6. Take wun onion and place it on the chopping board, then go to the radio and switch on Radio Lotus, cos every Charou mus listen to Mrs Chetty’s whole families dedication right.
7. Come back to the chopping board, and scream at the top of your voice to your vrou…”You gort Chillies”
8. This will also tell you where about she is in the house and how far from the kitchen she is.
9. Next, take wun tumbler from cupboard….crack open that bottle of ‘Black & White’ (Charous choice dop), DO NOT forget to pour for the dead. Then pour wun lukker valve opener shot in the tumbler and tint it with some government dash. Rush that thing down and wipe your mouth quickly.
10. Now that the blood is flowing nicely, cut the onions into thin slices and keep it in wun saucer with a few green chillies, biryani mix, and the all important curry leaves.
11. Gravy soakers, UTD potatoes are a must, Charous love BUSTING petetoes so peel at least 5, cut in have and we will have….?
12. By this time your vrou gonna come into the kitchen and ask if you need help….choon her to make some bhajias for bites, shes gonna choon you voetsak and she will leave the kitchen….this is your window of opportunity to pour wun nother cracker shot
13. Time to light the fire
14. Pick up all the packets, buckets and old cloths yawl pushed in the fire place for storage, whilst you there pick up all the stompies as well.
15. Place the firelights in the tray and some decent pieces of wood and flame it with that extra big box of matches you have next to the fire place. If your leites are around watching you, choon them about the good old days when yawl used chimtas and newspaper to start a fire for making water hot. Keep that pot lid handy for fanning.
16. Now that the fire is chooning and the dop is also chooning, vye sook wun decent size pot, make sure you put handy andy on it otherwise your vrou will have a hard time washing it.
17. Add some oil (straight from the 5lt Sunflower bottle)
18. When the oil is hot chuck in your onions, chillies, biryani mix (bayleaves, cinnamon etc) otherwise you gonna get the kauchi smell
19. Throw in the curry leaves, when the onions are slightly tinted like whiskey in water…..add some of your secret masala your mother in law mixed for yawl when yawl vyed Durban
20. Be careful dont burn the masala.
21. Add the fresh cut chicken into the pot, add wun tomato (cut in small peices) and sum salt and ginger and garlic
22. Give it wun two good stirs, close the pot and choon Aahhhh, your vrou gonna ask whats wrong, then you choon….Time for a shot
23. Go to the kitchen and pour a legal shot.
24. By this time the visitors should have arrived….visitors always come when the fire is started, all the hard graaf is kla and when the chow is almost ready
25. Greet your visitors, stand right by the front door and hear their stories cos there are bound to have some long stories
26. Imediately take the man outside….Choon him, Connection…come see my dhania how it’s growing
27. Pour him wun thunder shot, cos your hand is heavy by now
28. Whilst chooning, remember that you cooking and check the chow. Dont forget to take out some chicken pieces for bites
29. Add some water to the chow, cos fresh chicken is little bit tough
30. Have wun two more shots, talk about the old days…always start the conversation with…..Remember when we were small our ballies……
31. Check the curry again, water should be gone down and the chicken should be soft, add the gravy soakers (potatoes). Do not forget to mention to the visitors how expensive wun bag of potato is gone.
32. Have another shot, because your vrou gonna come ask you if she can set the table.
33. After about 45 minutes the curry should be smelling lukkers, the potatoes should be soft and soaked with gravy.
34. Take some fresh dhania from the garden, cut it up lukkers and sprinkle it in the pot
35. Your vrou is now gonna choon ‘come eat’ and you must choon…..nor let the ladies eat first…..cos this will buy more time for wun two more slugs.

Do not forget to make carrot salad…..and remember…..ALWAYS GIVE THE VISITORS THE OLD MANGO PICKLE, KEEP THE FRESH WUN FOR HOUSE PEOPLE.

Later
JHB Charou

*Copyright JHB Charou*
You can share but remember to add link to my site https://jhbcharou.wordpress.com

Soccer in the possie

So we all have been to some matches right?…..You know SA World Cup FIFA and all, we have to choon we was there kind of thing ‘Mama was here’. In the spirit of all good things including a few warm shots (JHB is cold) and the dop in the stadium dont taste nice for 30 bucks right. So getting tha-na-nas before we vye to the stadium was the right thing to do.

So being a thorough BREAD Charou we had to follow a few golden rules for the WorldCUP.
Starting something like this….
1. Hope your company sponsor some tickets, at least 5 cos the mother in law wants to vye as well
2. See if any connections are graafing for FIFA and see if they can make a plan. ‘Hook us up’
3. If that did not come right, then try and sook a luck on Gumtree, squeeze wun good deal there
4. Only when the tickets are bought then we decide who we backing
5. If we organised tickets for Brazil, England, Agentina, Germany or SA then we sorted

I mean at recent drinking scenes all the talk was around soccer, the Charou’s have become the analyst….Ey Im chooning, must check Rooney gonna put one 3 goals against Germany. Hooch matches you vying to Gordon? Ey man I got sum Catergory one tickets….Oh lukkers.

And the choones vye on and on.

So what happen on the day of the match between Bafana Bafana and France? The morning started of with ‘What we gonna eat’ Who we inviting’ and most importantly what we dopping.
So around 6:30am Rashika makes the call to Solly her sister in law to ask where they watching the match the conversation went something like this.

Rashika: Hello Solly, what you doing, You sleeping?
Solly: Nor, I just put some rice on the stove, now now and I told Ajay jus now your sister will call
Rashika: You know Gordon had Catergory one tickets for the match, but he GAVE it to his friend for R950 each ticket, we said where we’ll go shiver shiver in the cold to watch wun match.
Rasika: Where yawl watching the match Solly? Why don’t come way home. From when Gordon saying he feel like eating Trotters and beans, so I said namind I’ll cook it nice and thitha with thick thick gravy. I also gort one parcel duck in the fridge I’ll cook it for Ajay.
Solly: Ja, no problem we’ll come, from when Ajay saying he want to come
Solly: I will bring the rice and I am making some dholl and I will make some chops chutney. I also soaked some Mango pickle, the mamas came selling here the other day, they wanted R20 a bag….I said no, I gave them R8 and some old beans curry I had in the fridge.
Rashika: Ja this blerry people getting the mango for free and they want to charge so much.
Rashika: Where Ajay, let me tell him Hello. Hello Ajay, you forgot you got wun Sister, you don’t call, dont send message nothing, what happen, your wife got you unders.
Ajay: No man, I am so busy, I got no time to even go toilet.
Rashika: Or, okay then see yawl later, dont drive fast eh.
Ajay: Ok.

So that was the typical morning….What happen when the match was on? The TV was on maximum volume because it had to compete with the 10 naughty children running around the house and the women talking over their voice in the kitchen. The men where sitting comfortably in the lounge eating white fry and having wun two shots waiting for the kick off. So in comes Rashika to the lounge, wun hand on the hip…’the match started….the match started’. Yes the match stated. Then in comes Solly…’Aiyoo yamma she how full the stadium is’. Which team is Bafana Ajay, The team with all the black players Ma, now shut your mouth and watch the game. During the game these where the comments.

-What a goal man, what a goal
-See, how he dablaased that fellow ey
-Take the ball and run man, what he is waiting for
-That referee is cheating I tell you
-Hmmm, rather put some Chatsworth fellas there they will play better
-Put my stove low there, only the potatoes left to get cooked
-Adil…go bring some dhania from the garden
-Women keep quite otherwise there will be war in this house

Rashika: okay half time now, I must dish out…….

Until second half, catch yawl later
JHB Charou

*Copyright JHB Charou*

You can email this around but please include a link to my site https://jhbcharou.wordpress.com

The REAL CURRY Joint

So we Joburg people are always searching for a good curry when we vye down to Durban and all. Seldom do we come across a restaurant that offers not good but GREAT chows.
Whilst down in Durbs…okay North of Durban towards the farm side, my vrou and I was invited by one of her family members to dine out, cos I am thinking I know this my vrous connection for about 17 years now right but not ONE day she choon come and eat by her possie what what. I am skeeming she can’t cook to save her hairstyle.

N E ways back to business, so with a hungry stomach and a itchy hand to hold one glass filled with Charous encouragements (Jack Daniels) we ended up in one joint in Tinley Manor (Charou’s Knysna), to a lovely beach side restaurant called ‘IMPULSE by the SEA’. Just to paint a little picture about this joint, it’s a proper curry mecca, when you enter their doors you are hit with the thitha thitha smell of their freshly prepared curries, the ambience is set right with the well tuned chaar tunes, the bar is well stocked with some good encouragements and the dining area is well laid out in proper Indian styled setting, which further leads out to an open deck overlooking the sea. So you can enjoy a Peter Styvesant and think about how the shad will pull in the morning….

I was overwhelmed by the hospitality (aiyoo yamma). The owner Neville, I think he is a pouridge ou, cos he was giving us one two free dops. Neville was very accommodating and always had a smile on his face…(he is a little bit on the dark side, so he had to smile to be visible)

After a few shots we deceided to order some Prawn Curry, Crab Curry, Mutton Curry, Vegetable Curry and another good dop. The food took about 30 minutes to prepare during this time we was continuously pampered with some fresh papadums, more dops and more dops.

Eventually the food arrived, Maam I tell you I was blown away, that lovely aroma of the curries made me dive straight into it, and as I said the ambience of the restaurant just complemented my whole experience, I had the prawn curry and rice severed with sambals, all well presented in proper Indian dishes and garnished with Dhania (Must have). My vrou smaak big things right, so she tackled the extra large jumbo crabs, which I also dived into after demolishing my prawn curry.

You know what the chaar mense choon, if you dont sweat and wipe your forehead with a towel, then the chows is not good….I was wiping my head one way.

All in all I must say this is the BEST CURRY I have had, and I don’t think any restaurant will ever come close. I love food and I definetly give Impulse a 10 out of 10 for their chows.

Well done to Neville and team for a great experience and now I have something to look forward to the next time I am down there.
And don’t mention my name there, don’t choon you know me…..cos discounts don’t apply there, they are already so cheap for a lukker chow.
Thanks to Gordon and Rashika for taking us out…(We should have spent a lot MORE time there…..but we drove in an OPC)

PS* I walked out of there SHUT SHUT SHUT (Pissed)

Until next time….By the Sea
JHB Charou.

SHOT UP SKY HIGH

One thing Mallie, I won’t tell a word of lie…My children will never ever do a thing like this to me.

What a shame man, that fulla took another man’s wife and staying oiyoo she gort 3 children too. That lady is so old she is fit to be his mother. His poor mother hides her head in shame when she go market wonly. She have to put black polish on her face and go anywhere. 

Hawa last week only they came and created ava here, the whole district was watching their episodes. I was busy in the kitchen, I had live fowl on the stove and I was cleaning fresh fresh mushroom, Ram found in the… (can’t tell you where he found the mushroom, otherwise whole district will go there looking), when I heard the commotions outside, I put my stove on low heat and went to listen. 

What nerves that boy got Mallie, his mother only gave birth to him and brought him up from a small child, she used to suffer suffer and sell moorkoo to earn money to buy him nice nice things and all. Now he went and found that rubbish and he is throwing his OWN mother away. Tell me what nerves. As for his father, he don’t say a word to that boy, nothing, he just let him do  what he want. 

Because of all this problems his mother’s blood pressure and all SHOT UP SKY HIGH. What I did, Whats today Wensday, on Monday i went there and took one bowl broad beans curry for Saras. You know Mallie the way she poured her heart out to me…by the jugs. I told Saras if I was her I’ll catch that thing by her hair and give her nicely. 

Thank God my children is not like this man. They so well behaved.

Ey Rognee, my son saw your daughter in that club what’s it called….Cracket 2 or something like that in Sibaya.

Appa..rently she was dancing away with wun coloured fulla, you know how wild these people can get.

And then there was SILENCE…….

Until the next episode.

JHB Charou

Merebank Charous are SHARP

 

Pwi...The Hot Gujji

 

 

 

 Just to prove things right, right. I asked this Charou to show us how good the owens from Merebank are. Cos I am always hearing that all the Sharp Charous live in the ‘Banks’.

 

 

The following intelligent maths questions was asked’

What is a:

Hypotenuse: A big, fat animal that lives in the rivers of Africa

Equilateral: A line that runs around the middle of the world

Octagon:  Ocean Basket makes calamari out of this

Algebra: New bra for stekkies 

Obtuse angle: obvious angle to use you phone camera 

Acute triangle:  also known as a samoosa

Prime Number:  A hot chick

Pythagorean Theorem: A type of snake

Radius: also known as my district  

Bisect: A man or woman who is attracted to both men and women 

Common Denominator: that ou who is always causing a speech

Polyhedron: A girls’ name.

Trapezoid: That article we jump on in the park 

Tessellation: Putting white paper on the tressel at a wedding Jol

Theorem: Manogran’s bru X and Y Axes: A shop in the mall selling Soviets and Levis  

Ey man these owens are too sharp

Sharp Sharp 

JHB Charou

(Copywright)